Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
