i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
