I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize