im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
