I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize