How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
