Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
