All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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