i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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