Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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