Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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