a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
