Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
