He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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