I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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