I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
