Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
