Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
