Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
