you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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