I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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