Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
