Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
whose parrot is this?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
