Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had to cum in my sink.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
