Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
