I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
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