i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
