i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize