Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
