Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
