you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She's the barista slut.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
