i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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