I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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