When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
