Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
