Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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