I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
