cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
