Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
