btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
