If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
