We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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