For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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