Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
