pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We need to get me chipped asap
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
