so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
