Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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