I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
