i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
