I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
