i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
