you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
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