don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
