i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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