I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
