I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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