Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
