I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Actions speak louder than pants.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
