If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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