Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
