Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
